


Dreams meant to be broken

by pirripipi



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: But nothing too hardcore, Fluff and Angst, M/M, pretty chill really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-15 03:28:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15403956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pirripipi/pseuds/pirripipi
Summary: Aaron knows he is dreaming, has to be. But then why does the man clinging to him feel so real?





	Dreams meant to be broken

There’s the sound of water, light and gentle.

There’s the forest, dark and old and endless. The air is fresh and crisp yet he’s not cold. The grass is soft, bends gracefully under his body, shines it’s own light there where Aaron is touching it. The moon makes everything twinkle on blues and greens, even if it should be impossible for her light to get through the trees’ crowns.  
He feels at peace. He lies on the grass. He closes his eyes.

Then there’s a figure behind him, holding him tight, burying his nose on the back of his neck. Aaron freezes, terrified, tense. His heart beating hard and holding his breath. The figure grabs him more tightly, arms around his chest, leg over his legs. Not a bit of space between them.

“I’m sorry.” He murmures right to his ear. “I won’t to hurt you. But is so cold… And you are so warm....” And that’s all he says. He is indeed cold as dead.

Aaron can’t find his voice, can’t make his muscles move to push him away, to stand up, to run. In the back of his head he realizes that this is a dream, and so he lets go. Still tense, still terrified. Until everything turns black.

He has a very vivid memory of the dream the next day. And he can't push away the weird feeling that it leaves on him. He can’t do anything but hope it won’t happen again.

•○•○•

But it happens, again and again, each night that week. _I’m so cold and you are so warm._ The stranger keeps saying, and with every passing day Aaron feels less frozen in his presence, less tense and terrified.

“Why are you so cold.” He finds he can ask one day.

The stranger grabs him even tighter, like he is trying to chase away a bad memory.

“The heater is broken and no one will come to fix it.” Aaron hums in acknowledgement and lets the stranger bury himself on his nape once more.

•○•○•

Days keep passing, nothing changes, until the dream stops leaving an uneasy feeling on him. Until it’s just another part of his day.

He finds himself being able to talk to the stranger more freely since that first question. Like he were actually in control of what he is saying and not just his subconscious self. The next thing he asks him is his name.

“Alexander. Alexander Hamilton.” He mutters. “Yours?”

“Aaron.”

•○•○•

That’s just the beginning of a thousand conversations. Alexander loves to talk, soft and sleepy, without bothering to move from his prefered place at his nape apparently. And Aaron finds tranquility on listening, the feel of his words on his neck, the vibration of his chest against his back.  
Most of it is innocuous talking, but they get to know each other.  
When the month comes to an end he feels at easy with Alexander. The dream stops being just part of his day, he awaits it, craves it when a day gets long and draining, and every conversation, every muttered answer and whispered question makes Alexander a bit more lively pressed against his back.  
Still, he never turns. Never thought about it really, too comfortable with the familiarity of their postures.  
Now he can't take the thought out of his head.

Two week will have to pass before he does.  
He grabs Alex’s hand carefully, coaxing him to loosen up the tight hold he has on him. He fels him tense, hold his breath maybe, and then Aaron turns.

Under the moonlight Alex’s face is all sharp angles, wild mane and deep eyes, black and shiny. Breathtaking. He slowly reach for his face. Wants to ask if he can touch but the can’t find the words.  
So he moves slowly, waiting for a negative that never comes. He knows Alex’s eyes are lock on him and when the tip of his finger traces his cheek, he feels him breath a deep breath. He explores delicately, memorizing everything that it’s to be memorized, feeling his fingers tickle and the skin under them spark. Feels the goatee that grew at Alex’s chin and the thickness of his eyebrows, the angle of his nose, the bags under his eyes. It’s weird, in a way, and one of the most intimate moments he has lived.  
Alex doesn’t move, lets him explore for longer than the dream has ever lasted and when it seems that Aaron is almost done he asks:

“Can I kiss you?” And Aaron suddenly finds the voice to tell him yes. _God yes._  
He tastes like snow.

Things should be weird after that. Should be uncomfortable and uncertain, but they are not. They fall back on their old routine with a new feeling of closeness that’s more than welcome.  
Is not many mornings later that Aaron realizes that whatever is happening shouldn’t be happening, that the dream can be gone as easily as it came.  
He is not able to quite the stings of anxiety that torment him the rest of the day.

•○•○•

“Where are you?” Aaron asks. “That is so cold.”

He learns then that Alex is living at a friends’ basement.

“Just until I find a better job.” He tells him. “One that’s able to pay for a flat and my student loans. Just you wait.”

And he believes him. Right there in that moment he has no doubt that Alex was a real person, that he will find a better job, a great one he dares to believe, and that he’ll do something amazing given the chance.  
Until then all Aaron can do is move his arm to hold him too, tight and protective.

The dream doesn’t face. It feels what it feels to go to bed with your love one after a long day.

•○•○•

There’s nights were they don’t talk at all, nights were they rather let themselves be wrapped by the atmosphere. Most nights they chat about their days. Alex talks at length, loves to complain and most importantly to fix. Sees the world as a tangle of problems and loves to come up with a thousand of solutions. Sometimes he has a point, sometimes he doesn’t. Aaron shares the small details, the inconsequential ones that give really little away and still feel the most important to him.

 _There were fresh flowers at the reception desk,_ he says one day. _The sky was clean of clouds this evening,_ he says the other

He is observant. Alex says he has a special way of seeing the world.  
They find solace on each other.

One night Alex seems very upset, too deep inside his head, pondering something. Aaron asks what’s wrong. Alex answers with the story of another failed job interview.

“They said I didn’t ‘fit the profile’” There much bitterness in his words. Aaron squeezes his hand tightly. 

“I’ve heard that too.” Alex lets go of the most tired sigh as he grabs him tightly, disappearing at his nape, tense. Aaron knows that there’s more than that, but says nothing. They don’t talk anymore that night.

•○•○•

The day starts as any other for Aaron, waiting on his train to reach his stop. As he goes he looks inside. Alexander is there, looking at nothing in particular, fixed on a deep blue suit. Until he catches his gaze.  
Time stops for a heart beat.  
Then the train doors close up and he loses Alexander eyes inside of the tunnel. Aaron wonders if he is in his right mind.

“I think I saw you today.” Alex tells him, buried against his back as always. “On the tube, just before my train moved.” For the first time in months Aaron can’t seem to find the words to answer.

•○•○•

Aaron keeps opening up to Alex, to a degree he has no opened to many people on his life.  
It could be the dream, the trees, the water sing song that accompanies every and each one of their talks. It could be that he just needs it.  
It could be that despite how much Alex shares and shares he waits for him, keeps himself attentive and reverent when Aaron talks.

•○•○•

They almost meet again that friday. If it wouldn’t have been such a difficult day for Aaron. If he wouldn’t have missed his usual train. If he wouldn’t have gone straight to his office rather than stopping by the coffee machine on the common room as he does every other day.

That night Alex is as cold as always, but a wide smile is on his face.

“What are the good news?” Aaron asks him.

“I got a job.” He says almost like he can’t quite believe his luck. “As an accountant on an law office. And a good one, you should see the 0’s on my paycheck. I mean, I’m still on probation, but just you wait, Aaron.”

For the second time ever Aaron turns, catches Alex’s face in between his hands and looks him in the eyes.

“You’ll be head of the department in a year. Two tops.” There’s a smile on his lips, but his eyes are serious. 

Alex is astonished, then smiles a smile full of gratitude. So many raw emotion between them. He melts against his hands, lets his forehead fall against Aaron’s and in a whisper he says. _Just you wait._

•○•○•

A week goes by and Alex is not cold anymore, yet they hold each other anyway. He’s pliant against his back and more content than ever. Aaron couldn’t be happier for him. He talks and talks about that new apartment he just rented, about how cozy it is, how small and easy to heat. About how he was really lucky to find anything affordable so close to the office. About how he knows is not a palace, but that is his and his alone and he loves it.

“I should bring you some day.” He mutters one day at the end of the dream, just before the darkness takes them. And Aaron knows it was just an unfiltered though, but still he wishes for that day to happen.

•○•○•

They would have met a lot of times. On their way to work, if Alex wouldn’t always be stupidity early. On the restroom, if they didn’t have completely different schedules. On a meeting, maybe, if they worked for the same department. On a trip to the bathroom, to the printer, to steal some coffee. On they way out of the building.  
But they never did, and to a outsider viewer it would have been frustrating to watch.  
And so time go by on this dance of missed chances, and the dream keeps happening and things are good. Comfy and nice and warm.

They could have been okay with keeping things as they were. Wouldn’t have asked for more. But they didn’t got a chance.

•○•○•

Christmas comes to soon for Aaron’s liking. The mood at the office changes, an anxious cheerful energy that gets to all of them. Aaron has been working there long enough to know it’ll keep gaining intensity until the office Christmas party.

He dresses fancy enough and makes sure that he is just a bit late.  
There hasn’t been too much planning for the party this year, a reserved local with a little bit too much decoration. The lights are low and the tinsels shine on reds and greens and golds.  
After the first round of greetings he goes to the bar.  
The party is way more crowded than last year.

He doesn’t know most of the people in there, doesn’t really mix up with peers out of his department. He is about to go venturing into the crowd when someone catches his eye.  
He can feel his heart stop on his chest.

It shouldn’t be that easy to recognize him; to picture that silhouette out of the beautifully tailored suit he’s wearing and into a worn out hoodie and yoga pants their texture he has memorized.

He should breath. Get close. Say hi. Should walk away and leave. Should and shouldn’t do a lot of things but he can do nothing but stare.  
Stare at the champagne flute that seems about to spill every time he moves his hand, his tied up hair that shines as much as the tinsels, the polish of his shoes, the arch of his eyebrows, the fire on his eyes.

He stare back at him. There’s a blood freezing instant when Aaron wonders if he’ll be just a stranger to him. But then he is walking towards him, excusing himself quite rudely.

“Excuse me if I’m wrong. Aaron Burr?” He says stretching out his hand. 

Aaron considers to say no. Considers to lie and leave.

“Alexander Hamilton?” He shakes it back.

The smile that Alex gives him lights the room better than any chandelier could have ever dream of and Aaron things they may be alright.

How wrong he was.

They barely share a couple of words, simple greetings, before Alex’s colleagues come to them. If Aaron had to describe it in a word it’ll be disappointing. Uncomfortable would work too. The department of economics has always had the reputation to be a pretentious one, but Aaron has never had the chance to see them in their whole glory.

There’s just so much patronizing someone can take, he decides after twenty minutes of chit chat.  
He’ll be surprised Alex could be able to work on that kind of environment if he weren’t the worst of them.  
Certainly disappointing, to know that their dream may have been real, but the Alexander in it was must definitely not.

He scuses himself as soon as he can, doesn’t bother to try say goodbye, and when Alex goes after him, stops him on his way out to ask for his number with that hopeful look that Aaron is not sure what it means anymore, he says no.

He dreads going to sleep that night.

•○•○•

Morning arises and the dream hadn’t come.  
He feels… vacant.

•○•○•

A week goes by without the dream and despite the letdown he finds he misses it. Misses the peace and complicity, the sense of see and being seen. Even if it all was delusive in the end. He should have know. He himself doesn’t felt quite like him on the dream.

He sleeps bad, wakes up tired, feels sad.

•○•○•

That monday on their lunch break Alex goes to his office. He looks nothing like at the party, and he reminds him to the Alex he first met on the dream, before they knew nothing about each other.  
He asks him if he can come in and Aaron lets him.

“I haven’t been sleeping well” He tells him. 

It doesn’t matter that Aaron knows what he is talking about. There’s this sense of betrayal he can just shake away, for all he though Alex was and all that he turned out to be.  
But Alex doesn’t relent, he takes a seat, tries to but doesn’t quite bring up the party. He seems, for as much as he tries not to show, at lost about what has happened between them. And Aaron doesn’t want to explain.

It’s weird and unpleasant their second real conversation, yet the Alex that sits in front of him, this Alex he can recognize

“Maybe we could go get some coffee after work?” Alex’s asks as he stands, without much of a feeling.

“Caffeine after work? That doesn’t seems like a good idea.” Aaron answers. And Alex seems to pick up the fact that he has not said no.

“We could always have decaf”

“We could always have decaf” Aaron repeats and surprises himself accepting the offer.

They meet that evening, grab their drinks and go to a small park near the building under Aaron suggestion. And if the trees are old and the grass is soft no one comments on it.

•○•○•

Chatting finds to be tricky at first. Short and stiff between sips. But even if they finished their drinks far too quick and left with a uneasy feeling on their chest, they meet the next day. And the day after it.  
The dream doesn’t come back.

It takes time for them to leave the weirdness behind. To be at easy with each other one more time. Aaron learns Alexander all over again, learns the new facets of him he never got to see before. And so does Alex.

He hears of him around the office enough to imagine how he is like. A shark and a show off and damn good at what he does. Ready to rise and take what he wants.  
It’s not a flattering light for him on Aaron’s eyes.  
But Aaron doesn’t work with him.

•○•○•

He is as much of a smartass out of the office. Abrasive sometimes without realising so. Rude in rare occasions. Polite in most of them.  
Accommodating and understanding and charismatic. Sincere. That may be the quality he admires the most.  
He has a thousand flaw and a thousand virtues like anyone does.

Aaron realizes then, that maybe he is at fault too. That maybe he was fantasizing too much and seeing too little. Still, he is unsure of this new Alexander. Of his charming smile and witty sense of humor and restrained touch.

They crash every now and then, have to learn how to be around each other. Alexander wouldn’t drop an argument over his dead body, Aaron is ready to just ignore the argument happened at all. Alexander can be insistent. Aaron can be cold and sharp.

•○•○•

There’s a day in early june, heavy clouds on the sky and they outside at their park. It’s tradition by now, going out after work, walk and talk a little bit, go back home. Their own dream outside the dream, less lovely but more real.

They’re about to leave when it begins to rain, hard and heavy, they have no time to think before they have to leave the park behind, running down the streets in search of any kind of shelter. There’s not thunder Aaron can hear. He is glad on Alexander’s behalf.  
They shiver, bitch and moan as they wait for the rain to stop. The breeze is not cold but it mean nothing to their wet clothes.

He tries and fails to look less pitiful than he feels and turns to Alexander in hopes of finding him mirroning him. He does in a way, bracing himself against the breeze and muttering curses under his breath. His hair has fallen wet and shiny over his eyes, his eyelashes have stuck together and he looks positive breathtaking.

“My place is not far away.” Alexander says, a silent invitation. Aaron takes it without thinking much about it.

•○•○•

It’s was an inflexion point, he realizes looking back.

Three days later they go have dinner together. To the movies four days after that. To the bar with some friends on a Saturday night. Lafayette and John had taken an instant liking on Alexander, they have trivia night, and post celebratory trivia night, twice a month. Dinner and TV on Aaron’s place at the end of the next week, the first night Alex spends on Aaron’s flat. An art gallery once and only once.

Alexander joins Aaron’s gyms and leaves two weeks later. Aaron cooks for them on wednesday, Alex brings the wine.  
Days pass an months go by and they still have coffee together, down in the park.

One Saturday six months later Alexander crashes in his flat not so late in the night. He’s been having a key for three weeks already and he asks Aaron permission each time before coming. His cheeks are rosy and his grin is wide.

He can tell what it is. It’s the glow in his eyes as he arrives from another successful trivia night. It’s the way he launches on Aaron’s couch, next to where he has been reading, an arm over his shoulders, ready to tell him everything about the night. It’s the way Aaron stops and thinks he wouldn’t mind for things to be like this forever.

He asks him out Sunday morning before no one of them have had their coffee.

•○•○•

Their first kiss is unrushed and warm among the trees of their park, it tastes like coffee and feels like home. A thousand more will follow it and most of them will be perfect.

•○•○•

They spend more time together in either of their flats than they do on their own these days. Lunch at Alex’s place since is closer to work, dinner at Aaron’s since he has the bigger bed.  
When he finds out half his wardrobe is over Alexander’s place Aaron decides is time to consider moving together. It falls into place perfectly in his mind. Thinks it may be the best idea he’s had on a long time. He didn’t expect Alexander reluctance.

Three times he tries to bring up the conversation. And three times Alex evades it completely. Is such a strange thing coming from him, he can’t even recall seeing him avoiding a subject before. Aaron tries not to push the matter for the longest time.

•○•○•

“It was my first place, Aaron. I know it’s small,” Alexander tells him. He knew this conversation was coming, could hear Alex’s gears spin and grate in his head as he decides when to bring it up. “I know it's not meant to be the place I’ll live my whole life, but-”

“You don't want for us to move together.” He has to say it. For once he feels like he’ll suffocate if he doesn't set things straight. 

“I want to! I do, I really do, but giving my flat up and moving to yours… I don’t want that.”

And Aaron… Aaron can almost understand. Knows Alexander enough to realize he should’ve see this coming.  
There's things they rather not talk about and that flat, Aaron has to concede, means way more than it should.

He wouldn’t mind being the one moving out. Alex’s place is closer to work and filled with light. It helds their happiest memories on each wall and each room. It feels like home.  
But is small. Way to small for him alone much less for both of them. Alexander knows this too.

Their future is once again uncertain.

•○•○•

It was such a simple solution they should be ashamed is Eliza the one who has to suggest it to them.  
They’ve been avoiding the subject for days to no end. Well, Aaron has been avoiding the subject, Alexander has tried and failed to come up with a solution for the same amount of time. Usually they are better at working things out together.

They’re at Aaron's place for dinner. It's Friday night and a good day to have friends in. Alex cooked and Aaron set the table and they both silently promised not to bring up the matter.  
And they both failed.

•○•○•

Renting a flat together.

Such a simple solution, it theory at least. It’s a bit crazy, incredibly stressing, there’s always something they don’t seem to agree on. Always a flaw here and there that throws someones perfect flat out of the window. Ceilings too high or not high enough. Kitchen too small, too old, too hideous. Bathrooms that don't work and bedrooms with no sights. Is the real estate agent, hopefully not yet reconsidering his career, that suggests them to make a list of musts and don’ts.  
That’s helpful. Somehow.

•○•○•

Eventually they choose a flat.  
Eventually they live in it.  
Eventually they make a party, just to celebrate.

This flat they picked is close to work and not as big as Aaron would have liked it. It has wide windows that made him fall in love and a single bathroom. Two studies, two bedrooms and dark wooden furniture. It’s nice and cozy.  
When he finds Alexander at the living room one evening, lying sound asleep on the couch, his glasses still on and his phone on his belly that he realises, it also feels like home.

•○•○•

It's one grey night that Aaron wakes up at a unholy hour, disoriented and sleepy. His mouth feels like sand and his eyes burn when he opens them.  
There’s the sound of water, light and gentle, and the air is fresh and crisp. He thinks he sees trees, tall and old, the moon above his head making everything twinkle on blues and greens.  
He feels at peace. He feels a figure on his back.  
A figure that he has no doubt now is a real person, a flawed, snoring, beautiful person that will most certainly be wrapped around him as tightly in the morning as he is now.

Life is nice, he thinks, nicer than it was two and half years ago, nicer than it was when the dream first started.

The darkness doesn't need to find him this time, he closes his eyes.


End file.
